These are trying economic times for football clubs but The Govan Bugle has been inundated with ideas to help a certain cash-strapped Kinning Park giant in its hour of need and so it is with great pride and a tear in the eye that we present the best of them…
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. We could all wash our neighbour’s car. There were 200,000 of us in Manchester. If all of us washed one car each and charged a pound that’s £200,000 to give to Rangers tomorrow. My mate said he would wash three cars (as long as they weren’s green). If we all did this for a month that’s nearly a million pounds wiped off the debt right away. I wouldn’t wash my neighbour’s car because he’s a fenian bastard but I think the idea is a good one.
BILLY BONKERS
Madville
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. We could all make a jug of lemonade and sell it at the front of the house/ close. There were 250,000 of us in Manchester. If all of us made one jug of lemonade each and charged a pound a glass that’s approximately five glasses per jug, which is £5 per jug each. That’s £1.25 million to give to Rangers tomorrow. All of my mates in the pub said they would do it, and one of them offered to make six jugs. I know you’re supposed to pay VAT on the sale of goods but I’m sure HMRC would overlook it on this occasion to help out Rangers. If we all did this for a month the debt would be wiped out within a year. We could expand into making orangeade as well, although I draw the line at making limeade for obvious reasons.
SOL RIPE
Blantyre
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. We could all sell an organ to a hospital in China. You can get £800 for part of your liver. There were 300,000 of us in Manchester. If each of us sold part of our liver and posted it air mail to China that’s 240 million pounds to give to Rangers. Easily enough to wipe out the debt and buy Kirk Broadfoot for next season. All of my mates in the pub said they would do it. One of them loves the `Gers so much he said he would donate most of his internal organs plus an eyeball and three of his fingers (he has an extra finger on each hand anyway). I couldn’t donate my liver because of the sclerosis but I think this is a great idea.
JOHN SILVER
Hispaniola
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. We could have bungee jumping off the top of the Club Deck at Ibrox at the next home game. There were 350,000 of us in Manchester. If each of us paid £5 to jump off the roof that’s £1.75 million to give to Rangers tomorrow. For an extra fiver we could attach the rope to your ankle (Just kidding). But seriously, I mentioned this idea to my mates down the pub and they all said they would do it. One of them loves the Gers so much he said we could leave him bouncing up and down all week like that guy who died while climbing the north face of the Eiger. I wouldn’t be able to do it myself because of my angina but I think it’s a great idea.
TONI KURTZ
Cuckoo Town
Switzerland
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. We could all take the money out of our kids’ piggy banks. There were 400,000 of us in Manchester. Even if we only get an average of £5 out of the weans that’s still £2 million to give to Rangers tomorrow. Even if you don’t have kids, you can still take the money off your brother, nephew, neice etc. The beauty of this idea as that you don’t have to pay tax or VAT on the money you take. I mentioned this idea to my mates in D Wing and they all said they would do it. One of them loves the Gers so much he said he would take part in an armed robbery. I wouldn’t be able to do it myself because I’m in prison for three years for embezzlement but I think this is a great idea.
REGGIE KRAY
The Scrubs
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. We could all pull out our teeth and put them under our pillows. There were around 450,000 of us in Manchester. Even if you only have a couple of teeth that would be £2 off the tooth fairy. On average I believe the average bear has around 6 teeth, 9 if you include the police dog’s teeth lodged in my shin. Anyway, that would be nearly 3 million quid for the pot. Orangina says she’ll give the falsers a try. Maybe the fairy won’t know the difference?
Monster Munchers
Root Canal
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. We could all make a guy and demand a pound from every house we visit. There were at least 500,000 of us in Manchester. OK, it’s normally a penny and I know it’s the wrong time of year but we need cash fast. I think its a great idea we’d raise at least 10 million and then we’d all get to burn a fenian at the end of the night.
Billy Firestarter
The Big Smoke
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. The squirrel at the bottom of my garden has just woken up, I’m thinking of following him around and grabbing his nuts. There were just over 550,000 of us in Manchester and nearly all of us know at least one squirrel. I watched him hide his nuts before he took a long nap over the winter period, a bit like our defence, eh, midfield eh, and er our attack. Anyway, we could sneak up behind the squirrels as they are unearthing their bounty and when they’ve got their paws on it – grab their nuts. We could then roast their nuts and sell them outside the local supermarket, pretend it’s Christmas and put a Santa hat on. I believe the coffers would bulge with at least £10 million. Everyone loves Christmas. OK maybe not this year but everyone loves Christmas most years so it’s a guaranteed winner.
Sammy Squirrel Spotter
Up a tree
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. We could all write a best selling novel. There were around 600,000 of us in Manchester. JK Rowling made five hundred million quid from her first Harry Potter book. Even if only a tenth of us was able to write a best seller that’s 60,000 times five hundred million. That’s, er, quite a lot. The beauty of this is that there’s no VAT to be paid on books. Not that we’d pay it anyway, but you know what I mean. We could also get Rangers-minded film producers in Hollywood to the book into movies. That’s another 950 million dollars per book. What with spinoff merchandise, action figures and book signing fees, I reckon we could pay off the club’s debt in no time. I mentioned this idea to my mates down the pub and one of them says he’s going to write five extremely explicit pornographic novels with himself as the main character. I can’t write a book myself because I’m illiterate (my social worker is writing this for me while I wait for my methadone) but I think we could be on to a winner.
BILLY HAGRID
The Enchanted Forest
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. We could all join the PGA Tour. There were 650,000 of us in Manchester. Even if only ten percent of us won a major that’s still millions of dollars going to Rangers. I mentioned this to my mates down the pub and they all said they would sign up for the tour just as soon as their invalidity benefit came through. If I win the Masters I’m not going to wear that green blazer. That’s how much I love this club.
Sammy Staunch
Augusta
I’m no financial expert, but here’s an idea to help out Rangers. First of all get the players on an EBT scheme… er, maybe not.
CAMPBELL OGILVIE
Hampden
(That’s enough money making schemes – Ed)
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