AKA They Embarrassed the Hoops 2010-2019
This has been one of the most successful eras in the history of the club, but if that made you think that we hadn’t had to endure some right haddies during that time then buckle up because some of the names I’m about to throw at you might spark a kind of PTSD reaction.
The criteria for inclusion here isn’t just not being good enough to play for Celtic but somehow finding yourself in the first team (that section of society not good enough to play for Celtic includes basically everyone who will ever read this and definitely includes the person writing it).
Going along with that has to be a certain other dickishness or outright wage theft – ladies and gentlemen I give you Derk Boeritgter. You get the picture.
On we go.
Goalkeeper
As previously mentioned this was an unusually strong decade for goalkeepers at Celtic, but we still had to endure a couple of shall we say more typical specimens; specifically Zaluska and DeVries.
That’s maybe slightly hardsh on Zaluska. He never had any really major clangers and kept clean sheets everytime he faced der Hun, but it is certainly merited in the case of DeVries. He was a calamity from minute one and was directly responsible for two of our more depressing European results – Barca away (should have saved at least four of the goals) and the calamity away to Zenit. A balloon.
Right back
Gamboa. Again a Scabbers purchase and again the primary reaction having watched him was bafflement that anyone thought he was good enough to play for Celtic. Away to Munich he was subbed after about an hour. As he trudged off his stats went up; 33 passes and a completion rate of 30%. I imagine most junior players would feel they had a sporting chance of bettering that. Never convinced and not missed.
Left Back
Remember El Kaddouri?
Brought in as cover after Izzy had had his ankle broken, he had decent pedigree given that he arrived from Kiev, but my word he was awful.
His highlight was scoring with a speculative effort at Ibrox, but his performance after that was horrific. After a mere six appearances he was shipped back to Kiev. Duff.
But not selected here because we had to suffer the efforts of Edson Braffhied the Dutch left back who we got on loan from Bayern Munich in 2010. This guy must have the best agent in the world to have pushed that transfer through, but they sussed him pretty quick and shipped him out looking for a sucker. Then we showed up.
A genuinely terrible player but during that summer we had the truly bizarre sight of him coming on as a sub against Spain in the World Cup final. Again baffling.
Central Defence
We are pretty spoiled for choice here but one player who won’t be featuring is Josh Thomson. He was never good enough, but he was honest enough and at least got a win against the Hun under his belt whilst here.
Obviously we have Commper nailed on here. How could we not?
But the other space has some seriously hot competition in the shape of Glenn Loovens and Daniel Majstorović.
Both were big and apparently imposing but in truth they were not what they said on the tin. Loovens was a ‘star’ in the Mowbray era, the very epitome of his philosophy and asking players to do things they weren’t capable of,
Majstorović’s inclusion here is almost on the basis of one performance; at home to ICT in November 2010. We were 2-0 up and cruising, then big Dan absolutely shat the bed and we conceded two late goals to drop two points. It was galling to watch this guy who was huge seemingly terrified of competing with players far smaller. Those two lost points went a long way in conceding that league title.
We could also consider Joos Hooiveld. He was beyond hopeless and the fact that he went on to be considered alright at Southampton says more about that league than him. Horrendous.
But let’s face it Tyler Blackett wins. A loan from Man U that the club felt the need to present like a multi million pound signing he showed clearly just how far standards at Old Trafford have fallen. His low point was being absolutely rag dolled against Molde at Celtic Park.
Note: we never even mentioned Rahmi Gerhson.
Midfield
In terms of central midfielders we were actually pretty strong in this decade. There aren’t really any total disasters. The two who never really hit great heights were N’Guemo and Crosas, neither of whom was truly terrible.
It was on the wings that we really plumbed the depths.
Derk is the clear stand out here, the very definition of a wage thief, a guy who had no pretence of ever bringing anything to the table.
But we have a couple of other names to deeply traumatise you with.
Berget anyone? Not only was he hideously bad with us he then came back and bloody scored against us for Malmo as Ronnie’s team folded in a Champions League qualifier.
OK still with me? Let’s sort that; Tonev.
Winger loaned from Villa. Six inept games later sent back to Villa. Oh but before being accused of racist abuse towards Logan of Aberdeen. It must be noted that the club backed his claim of innocence, but not his claim of being a competent professional footballer.
Olivier Kapo? Signed in November 2010, released early 2011. Nope me either.
Mubarek Wakaso. You might remember him from scoring in a European game. You might not. Fast. Terrible. Burke without the goal threat if you catch my drift.
Forwards
Carlton Cole. A real WTF moment. Couldn’t believe it when he was linked with us, aghast when we actually signed him and utterly embarrassed when he claimed that goal at Inverness. Dire.
If you ever need proof that the English leagues are hilariously hyped up you could reference Hooiveld, or even the fact that Waghorn is now apparently an £8m player. Or you could dwell on this; in Ipswich Daryll Murphy is considered a goal machine. Yes, that Daryll Murphy, the guy we signed from Sunderland (to great delight of their support), the bewildered bloke who never, ever looked like scoring.
Of course we haven’t yet mentioned others such as Kazim Richards, Scepovic or Ciftci, none of whom should have been anywhere near the place.
So we have:
Manager: Mowbray
Just imagine watching that lot the next time we’re plodding through a game.
(All correspondence should be fired in the direction of AB Murdoch.)
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