The Book of Wisdom – Part the Umpteenth


1. And so it was that at that time the Timmites had put aside their rejoicing, and had taken unto themselves once more their garments of sackcloth and they ate unto themselves but locusts and they commenced once more weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, for the Hunnites had smitten them thrice and they were sorely tormented.

2. And the Hunnites saw this and they rejoiced, for they had amongst them a prophet, and this prophet walked among the scribes and the pharisees and they did gaze upon this prophet with wonder, for he did gladden the hearts of the Hunnites.

3. And there was one among the scribes who calleth unto himself Keith, who was the son of Jack, which means in the language of the Hunnites the one who speaketh through his back passage, and he did mock the Timmites saying, “Behold ye Timmites, a new prophet hath come among us, the Hunnites, and he is calleth unto himself Why-Tee, and he shall smite ye Timmites sorely once more, for sheckles hath he aplenty, and his sheckles shall not be counted for truly he hath as many sheckles as there are grains of sand in the desert, and many are his camels and his tents and his other things, but mainly his sheckles.”

4. And the Timmites looked upon the prophet of the Hunnites and they were afraid of him and his mighty sheckles, for had the scribes not written that the Timmites would be once more smitten, and they bessecheth unto the Lord, “Oh Lord, spare us from the Hunnites and their uncountable sheckles, for we shall not countenance but one more year in the barren wilderness, nor yet can we endure more lamenting, and we are truly sick of locusts.”

5. And the Lord heareth unto the prayers of the Timmites, and he spoketh unto them as unto a voice from a cloud, or a burning bush, or a piece of toast and he did say unto them, “Fear not my Timmites, for Why-Tee is but a false prophet who hath made unto himself but little profit, and I shall send among the Hunnites one who shall maketh unto their knees tremble and their beards falleth unto the floor and their camels reek with pungeant gas, for ye shall have vengeance on the Hunnites and it shall taste much sweeter than the sweetest locust.”

6. And so it came to pass that the Lord sent among the Hunnites one calleth unto himself Hec-Tor, and Hec-Tor did seek out in the land of Israel the tax collectors and the thieves and the robbers and prostitutes, and he did say unto them, “I shall require but the services of the first of ye, for we shall go forth and find the prophet of the Hunnites and smite him sorely.”

7. And when Hec-Tor and the tax collectors did finally gaze upon the prophet of the Hunnites he fell upon his knees, for he was afraid of the tax collectors, and he did void his rheum and he did void other less pleasant things as well, and he did rent his garments and gnasheth unto him his teeth and googleth unto him his eyeballs and he did beg mercy of Hec-Tor, saying, “Spare me from the wrath of the Hunnites, for I have deceiveth them and they shall stone me and flay me and useth me liken unto one of their goats.”

8. And Hec-Tor saw this and he sayeth unto Why-Tee, “Truly ye shall endure much suffering ye false prophet, for the tax collectors shall have thy sheckles, and thy camels and thy sandals and thy robe off thine back, and ye shall be casteth out into the land of Ad-Min, for the Hunnites must suffer for the worship of mammon and false prophets, and they must wander the wilderness for three years, and ye shall go to Montrose and Berwick, and ye shall be mocked and scorned and treated liketh unto a plague.”

9. And when the Hunnites heard this they raged and wept and wailed and gnashed their gums, for they knew they had been forsaken by the Lord.

10. And the Timmites gave thanks unto the Lord, and the Lord saw this and he was pleased, and he sayeth unto the Timmites, “Truly shall ye put aside thine locusts for ye shall rejoice in the land of milk and honey and jelly and ice cream, for Beram Kayal hath come to pass.”


2015 16 issues

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