Director of Football – Ally McCoist

There are some pretty good Photoshop gags doing the rounds at the moment, so when I was sent a link to the PC game “Director of Football – Ally McCoist” by my devoted readers (Sid and Doris Bonkers) I naturally assumed it was an amusing spoof of a football management simulation (probably put together by Doris in a rare moment of sobriety).

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that this was no joke! The game was published by the developer Empire Interactive and released in 2001. So successful was the game that it helped Empire go into administration in 2009. A case of life imitating art… (or is it the other way round?)

Nevertheless, it’s still possible to get your hands on a copy second hand. You can buy one on Amazon, for example, for 99p (or you could splash out the extra 1p and buy Rangers Football Club).

Having chosen to buy it, the player then adopts the persona of the cheeky chappie himself, at which point Robert de Niro-like method actors would presumably eat their own body weight in Greggs’ products before settling in to an extra-wide chair. The challenges ahead are made clear in the list of features:

“Being a football manager is a tough job. Team motivation, training, squad selection ­these are just a few of the things that have a direct effect on the result of the match.”

Very true. Yet there’s no mention of tactics or substitutions, so maybe you take a leaf out of the Director of Football’s book; send your team out then stand at the touchline looking as though you’ve left the oven on back home.

“But the Director of Football does all this plus; take charge of sponsorship packages, stadium refurbishments, balance sheets as well as making sure the team performs in the league.”

Those balance sheets can be darned tricky, so make sure you get that right, and it might be advisable to take precautions when supervising stadium refurbishments given the amount of asbestos about.

Assume the demanding role as Director of Football
Maybe you can build one of the biggest clubs in the world

Then again, maybe you can’t..

Find a sponsor, expand your stadium and reduce your car parking

Expanding your waistline might be a better option.

Increase your ticket prices and extend your corporate boxes

Now you’re talking – get those prices up…

Balance your books as well as your team

The former looked as challenging as the latter with Aluko and Naismith falling all over the place at the time.

“It’s all well and good for you to mock Mr Earwig,” I hear you say, “but what’s the game like to actually play?”

Not being inclined to try it out for myself, I’m afraid I will have to rely on passing on the reviews that accompany it on the Gamesgeek website. Alas, some of them are none too complimentary, as this sample of comments shows:

Reviewed by: droid from here
off the radar
When it comes to the beautiful game there is nothing so far removed from it than this. But if you like it ugly and PHAT then this is one of the most excellent and undignified of experiences you will ever have. I eagerly await the Offshore Trusts, Super Score Board and “It wissnae me expansion” packs. Top tip when purchasing the game – I phoned up the store in advance and offered to pay £10. When I went to buy it I only put down £3.78 which, for a very important piece of football history, has got to be the deal of the century and as close to real life as one can get.

Gameseek Customer Rating 5 Stars
So good I nearly pished my best crimpolene.
Truly a most steadfast and dignified game. A big hit at lodge slumber parties.

Reviewed by: Ethel Cardrew from Dundee
Not bad but took over 100 hours of game play to unlock the ’sign a Catholic’ option but be careful as there’s a slight chance you’ll loose the bitterness perk as a result. Also, don’t forget to download the ’heavy handed policing’ code when playing UEFA competitions.

Gameseek Customer Rating 1 Stars
To be honest with you, I was disappointed, to be fair.
Bought it but returned it straight away as I do not have a widescreen monitor. All I could see was Ally’s bulging waistcoat buttons.

Gameseek Customer Rating 1 StarsReviewed by: billybhoy from glasgow
Not Very Realistic
Would expect a ‘day in court’ option and there should also be, a pay your taxes and beat the wife and kids after a defeat options, think I’ll save my money for the when Sally met Hector DVD special.

Gameseek Customer Rating 3 Stars
When the going gets tough
I found the tactics menu a complete joke…. All it allowed you to do was play bounce games. I also really struggled on the finances section of the game.Couldn’t for the life of me call a board meeting or get my accounts audited.

Gameseek Customer Rating 4 Stars
A tweak here and there
I was having real difficulty with this but eventually twigged a cheat to cut down on costs. All I needed was to replace the hmrc.tax file in the install directory with a wages.ebt file and Bob’s yer auntie’s brer. No catchin me now.

Gameseek Customer Rating 5 Stars
oozing with dignity
A fitting tribute to the final manager of rfc

Gameseek Customer Rating 5 Stars
Very reealistick
Great game, love the bit when me and Fat Coisty fight over the last packet of Monster Munch at half time then he goes and buys a family bucket of KFC.

Reviewed by: Hunskelper from Free Derry
Lacks Dignity
After playing this, I was disappointed that I couldn’t unlock the secret ’Manchester riot’ level and instead had to make do with the ’straight arm salutes in Israel’ and ’urinate on a War Memorial in Barcelona’ awards. Poor graphics too as you can’t see the Fat Paul Le Guen’s legendary brown brogues of dignity.

Gameseek Customer Rating 2 Stars
Not very realistic
Not a very realistic game, I looked in the accounts section and there doesn’t appear to be any books. Anyone who’s played this game know where I can find the Rangers Account Books section? Will this be added on TGEF expansion pack?

Gameseek Customer Rating 4 Stars
Reviewed as told by Keeck Jackson
Excellent game, as a Loyal Follower of ragers I play this on my Lap top in between Media House telling my what to write. This game is so real I can smell the pies off Sally’s chins.

Gameseek Customer Rating 1 Stars
Game might be Discontinued
A contact called Hector the inspector has recently informed me that the game might be over with no further updates. In view of this, I would advise all the peepel to look out for bargain prices in the January sales

Gameseek Customer Rating 5 StarsReviewed by: Wee Jamesie Cotter from UK
Magical. I loved this,especially the Patsy Kensit pumping mini game.The stealth sections to avoid the missus were very realistic.

Too difficult
Completely unrealistic…. in my first season I was already pumped out of three competitions by the middle of September. Nonsense.

Gameseek Customer Rating 1 StarsReviewed by: steak-femto from Paradise
Constantly Crashing
A huge HMRC logo comes up, and then it’s always game over.

Gameseek Customer Rating 1 Stars
Sir Walter Smith – Legned.
Excellent game – the game mechanics are excellent, the only thing missing for me were the Crippled War Heroes at half time. I like to see the heroes we could’ve saved by paying our taxes.

Gameseek Customer Rating 5 Stars
Hugh Dallas
This game is so real, you can actually see the fear in the goat’s eyes. Highly recommended to all of the wee arrow people.

Toodloo the Noo
EARWIG