After 12 years Edinburgh Zoo has shipped its pandas back to China. Having failed to produce any offspring during their stay, visitors had to content themselves with watching them fall out of trees and generally make arses of themselves. Pandas eh? They seem to be a moody bunch don’t they? When they’re not mooching about eating everything in sight they’re acting all aggressive and growling at passers-by. Typical bears, you might say.
And what about that one from Paisley, he was a right bad ‘un. Not content with taunting Morton supporters visiting Love Street by wheeling on a bath and pretending to wash in front of them – not to mention simulating sexual intercourse with an inflatable sheep to taunt St. Johnstone fans – he was finally sent packing back to wherever Paisley pandas come from for wiping his ursine butt with a Falkirk jersey in front of a section of irate Bairns.
While it might be mildly amusing to take a lead from Mike Barfield’s cartoon in Private Eye (above) to suggest funny names for the Scottish-born offspring of the two hogging the limlelight in Edinburgh Zoo (had they been born), the picture on the right hints at a far more sinister motive for these creatures moving to Scotland.
Did anybody see the Edinburgh zoo pandas during the marching season? Anybody spot if the Edinburgh Zoo panda enclosure became unoccupied, especially round the middle of July? Hmmm, didn’t think so.
And should this one become a proud father, then might I suggest the name Zom Bi if it’s a girl or Deed Co if it’s a boy?
Irvine Welsh’s message for the two departing pandas certainly betrayed a certain lack of empathy: “Didnae want them anyway. We’ll get our ain fuckin bears. Bears that pump each other daft.”
Now that the pandas have been deported, we shouldn’t allow ourselves the luxury of taking our eyes off Edinburgh Zoo. Chimpanzees shouldn’t be encouraged to settle here either, if this report in the Telegraph (below) is anything to go by:
“Chimpanzees pass down a ‘secret handshake’ through the generations, according to a new study… Researchers looked at chimps on the Chimfunshi Wildlife Orphanage Trust in Zambia – finding some prefer to clasp hands, while others clutch onto another chimp’s wrist. Mark Bodamer, of Gonzaga University, said: “By following the chimpanzees over time, we were able to show that 20 young chimpanzees gradually developed the handclasp behaviour over the course of the five-year study… These observations support the conclusion that these chimpanzees socially learn their local tradition, and that this might be evidence of social culture. Continued monitoring of these groups of chimpanzees will shed light on the question of how these group-traditions are maintained over time and potentially even why the chimpanzees like to raise their arms up in the air during social grooming in the first place.”
Maybe the ones with their hands in the air are volunteering to man the VAR screens for the SPFL? Assuming, of course, that they practuse the approved religion. Blue All Over (below) seems to be under the impression that VAR only benefits one team and that 95% of Scottish linesmen, referees and ‘etcetera’ are all adherents of a religion that is so biased against sevco that they should refuse to play games that the aforementioned linesmen, referees and etcetera are officiating.
No doubt ‘Blueknows’ (geddit?) would agree (below). He’s also got an explanation. When the Pope visited Bellahouston Park in 1982 he told Catholics to ‘work hard getting educated’ while Blueknows and his mates gave the Catholics jobs and were ‘trying to be stupid.’ Things might not have worked out the way Bluey wanted, but he certainly got the bit about them trying to be stupid spot on. The effort they’ve put into that seems to increase exponentially as the years go on.
Still, you have to give them credit for engaging with the important issues facing the world today and providing some thought-provoking insight and analysis where it is much needed. Craig Flanagan (above), for instance, has worked out that Israel is a Protestant country, something that not one other academic has yet discovered.
And when it comes to climate change then the Kinning Park version of Greta Thunberg (or should that be Greta Hunberg?) who attended the sevco AGM has shown the world how to protect the planet. No surrender to Global Warming! Show climate catastrophe the red card!
It’s enough to warm the heart of your cockles… but not nearly as stirring as this tale of Gammon munching flagshaggery that appeared on a sevco site.
Picture it if you will – the whole family draping their assorted damp union flag beach towels over the balcony then peeping through the curtains to observe “some of the locals walk by, stop and stare at the display and then discuss it, no doubt recalling that momentous night in Bercelona in ‘72…”
Something like this, perhaps:
Local 1: I see some arsholes are draping wet union jack towels over their balcony again.
Local 2: Do you remember ‘72?
Local 1: When they all got battered by the cops? Mervelloso!
The serving soldier explaining to the Addams Family that the towels were upside down then proudly saluting the laundry the following night must surely have brought a tear to the glassiest of glass eyes. One can only imagine what he did when he spied the union jack socks and y-fronts on the next washing line. Because there is nobody does respect for the flag like sevconians, and that goes for poppies too. All the more reason to be scunnered, like big Ford (below) when your team doesn’t win on armed forces day, especially when members of the forces “who gave up their life for king and country come to Ibrox for a celebration.”
The least they can do for the fallen who have had the decency and made the effort to crawl out of their graves to attend a football match is win it.
And if you’re going to ride your horse up to Ibrox then respectfully place your poppy up the horse’s arse.
If you can’t find a horse then you can always respectfully decorate a Tyrannosaurus Rex with poppies. You could have your own small armed forces day (You’re fired – Ed).
You needn’t stop at animals, either. Nothing says respect more than a pepperoni pizza decorated with poppies. Each bite will remind you of the blood and gore of trench warfare in Flanders fields.
For those with a sweet tooth, what could be better than a cake. This sevconian mum ordered a cake featuring TikTok Todd and received this.
She sounded a bit upset about it but I think it’s a pretty good resemblance.
‘No mention of Sid and Doris in this column Mr Earwig?’ I hear you cry.
Actually I thought I’d surprise you by including a cutting that not only mentions them but features a picture of them.
Tadaaaaaa!
OK, there’s no point in trying to pull the wool over the eyes of my devoted readers (all two of them). You’ve got me. It’s one of those made up stories that appear in the Sunday Sport.
But just ask yourself this; when searching for the perfect picture to accompany the article, why did the editor choose this one?
Was he at Bellahouston Park in 1982 perchance? Has he spent the last forty years working hard and educating himself (that is extremely unlikely if he’s working at the Sport but suspend your disbelief for the purposes of the joke) or is he one of ‘etcetera’?
Sid and Doris it may (or may not) be, but I’ll leave you with a picture of their yuletide centrepiece:
All together:
Oh Christmas tree
Oh Christmas tree
It’s fitting for a palace.
Oh Christmas tree
Oh Christmas tree
Reminds me of Hugh Dallas…
Toodloo the Noo
The Earwig
ntvcelticfanzine.com 