Home From Seville – May 2003

From Tales From the Woods in the Celt fanzine…

We are in a Spanish bar after the game on 21 May 2003. The place is packed with Celtic supporters, a bit downcast but on their best behaviour.

One group encounters a Celtic inebriate who seems to be on his own entirely. They strike up a conversation.

“How did you get to the game, Jimmy?”

“How the fek dae ah know?”

“How are you gonnae get hame?’

“How the fek can ah tell ye that?”

Jimmy seems a pleasant enough chap even if he is well drunk so one of the Celtic fans indicates the square outside. “Stick aroon’ wi’ us. Oor bus leaves at 4 o’clock.”

Over the Pyrenees it transpires that Jimmy’s name really is James. Halfway up France, he reveals that his surname is Brown. As the party crosses the Channel, he tells somebody that he lives in
Shettleston. But as the bus passes Carlisle it becomes obvious to the more tender-hearted in the company that Jimmy is in no fit state to be let loose on Glasgow in the early morning. So the
questioning continues.

“Whereaboots exactly d’ye live in Shettleston, Jimmy?”

“Convery Street.”

“Whit number Convery Street?”

“Wan-wan-six. Three up.”

The coach driver hands over his A-Z of Glasgow so that Convery Street can be located with precision. They find it all right and the big bus creeps past the doubled-parked cars in the dawn light and stops outside the closemouth of 116. It is 5 a.m. Looks of triumph all round when the Celtic party read ‘J .Smith 3rd Floor’. Jimmy rocks comatose on his heels, hunched over against the summer cold, hands deep in his trouser pockets.

The leader of the pack rings the bell on the intercom.

The irritated girn of a female (sleep disturbed) barks back.

“Whit?”

“We’ ve goat Jimmy here.”

“No, ye huvnae.”

“Aye we huv.”

This goes on for a bit like an old-time John McEnroe, Bjorn Borg rally at Wimbledon. Jimmy takes no part.

“How dae ye know we huvnae goat Jimmy here?”

“Cos Jimmy’s in Spain!”

More looks of triumph among the Samaritans at the closemouth.

“Well, say whit ye like, we’ve goat Jimmy here.”

“Naw ye huvnae.”

“How dae ye know we huvnae?”

“Cos Jimmy’s in Spain. He’s oan his honeymoon!”