Earwig on Relaxation Regimes, Mindfulness and Wooden Door Surrounds

Oh dear. It seems that following last season’s 3:0 game at Celtic Park against the Tribute Act that my sevconian readers (Sid and Doris Hunkers) were seriously triggered.

The reason appears to have been a word that appeared on the splendid Green Brigade banner unfurled prior to the match that contained the word ‘huns’. Not wishing to lose two readers (which would lower my reader count to… two) I have taken it upon myself to offer some medical advice to get the Hunkers’ blood pressure down. (I’m not a doctor… I merely dabble)

So Sid and Doris, before you go supporting some other team, like this lot (below)

rest assured that I did a bit of reading…

Then discussed the issue with some of my friends from Princeton…

And I think we’ve come up with a mindfulness plan that will help both Sid and Doris relax.

On arriving home from a heavy away defeat, or even a home draw, take off your hat…

(these were all the rage in Primark a while ago but never quite caught on in Glasgow for some reason)

… Pour yourself a glass of wine…

(Earwig recommends this, particularly the Shiraz, described in the advertising blurb as, “HUN Shiraz: introducing the newest addition to the HUN family. Red wine….in a can. A medium-bodied Shiraz blended with a touch of malbec and a rich, dark fruit character supported by spice, mocha and vanilla oak. It offers a round mouthfeel with a medium mid-palate weight. Cans CAN do it HUN.)

Then choose a relaxing album to listen to.

A mellow tune by one of my favourite combos perhaps…

But NOT these fellas below.

Despite the somewhat appropriate title it’s unlikely that hard rock, punk or heavy metal will do anything to calm the mood.

Even Willie McCrae’s latest release is receiving some bad reviews, although I can’t vouch for the veracity of the one here which claims to be from Wikileaks:

“After exhausting all avenues of torture including waterboarding, the CIA played the Rev Willy McCrae on a 24 hour loop to get Al Qaeda suspects to talk. Rumour has it that 2 marines on guard duty confessed to taking part in the 9/11 attacks just to get the music stopped.”

To conclude, if Sid and Doris follow my relaxation regime they could end up like ‘the Businessman’ (below):

Carpets and wooden door surrounds are undoubtedly the key to not being full of rage.

Ceramics from all over the world and a bike might do the trick as well.

This episode of the Earwig has been brought to you by the letters H, U and N.

Toodloo the Noo
The Earwig


NTV 282

More from the Earwig in our latest issue. Includes 40 page paper copy and 100 page PDF version.


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