Earwig on Coffins, EBTs and La Republica del Bandana Estupida

It has been a stressful few weeks for my sevco supporting readers (Sid and Doris Brexiters) so I have no doubt they’ll be looking forward to booking a relaxing break this summer. Although, how relaxing it’s going to be for them thanks to having to use the non EU queues at airports remains to be seen.

Davie Cooper’s Sash (below) certainly wasn’t impressed with European countries taking back control of their borders.

He reckons they should waive border controls on the grounds that, “WE come from Britain not some stupid bandana republic.”

Far better to come from a bandana republic that’s not stupid, I’m sure you’ll agree. Indeed, I’m not sure that Mister DC Sash would actually get a visa for residence (or temporary tax avoidance status) in a stupid bandana republic if his second point is anything to go by: “We should be treated like we are not what they want us to be like.”

Thunk thunk.

That’s the sound of Stupid Bandana Republic’s customs man stamping Sash’s passport with ‘entry declined’.

I can only imagine what Sash’s reaction would be if he’s booked his summer holidays with the German airline Condor. They have decided to give their fleet a new livery this year and doesn’t the green one look splendid?

Probably Sash doesn’t use airlines that aren’t British (or fly Lancasters as standard). That said, according to some of Sash’s pals, if you sell stuff in Britain, that makes you British. Like Vauxhall. Ford, Adidas and Puma. And if you don’t know this then, “You’re not very bright are you?”

Thunk thunk.

On the subject of letting people through your borders, put the Coltness Maradonna (below) in charge. He knows exactly how to treat anybody who wants to escape the misery of their stupid bandana republic and move to, er, Coltness.

And as for kit, you can’t go wrong with a good British company like Castore, even if it does sound suspiciously foreign. They’re not some stupid bandana republic mob. They know what 20% off means.

With mathematical skills like that, how long will it be before this incarnation of Sash’s favourite football club goes the same way as their 1872 predecessors?

As an aside, I noticed this item for sale recently…

A full sized Leeds United coffin. The owner was selling as he hadn’t had any use for it (yet) and helpfully pointed out that it was full size, presumably to prevent your feet sticking out as they planted you six feet under. It reminded me of an undertaker some years ago who was offering denizens of the Death Star the chance to cross over to the spirit world in the comfort of their very own Rangers coffin. The Ibrox retail director at the time was a chap by the name of Nick Peel (I don’t know if his nickname was ‘Orange’ Peel but it should have been). He told the Scotland on Sunday newspaper (owned by David Murray at one time and which itself required a full size coffin in due course): “We were approached by an undertaker in the west of Scotland who asked if he could put Rangers tartan on the inside of the coffin and the crest on the top. We rejected it because we didn’t think it appropriate.”

A few short years later the whole club required a full-sized coffin.

But I digress. To return to the point, it’s important when sending out long rambling memos into the public domain to check your spelling and grammar so that you don’t end up at best being misunderstood, or at worst having your application to live in the Republic of Stupid Bandanas thrown in the bin.

This poster (below) on a sevco forum, for example, was doing so well on a rant about how everybody in the world was trying to shove his club into a full sized coffin that he accused Alan Stubbs of trying to reopen the ‘stripe the titties’ debate.

“Stripe the titties debate?” I missed that particular meeting, so I have ended up being confused about whether Stubbsy wants to take league titles off them that were won while paying their players EBTs against league rules, or whether he has some personal campaign going on that has more in common with Condor Airways.

On the subject of EBTs…

Like the Black Knight in that Monty Python movie, no matter how many limbs are hacked off them they will insist on going into battle with the tax man.

Speaking of tax men, Rangers coffins and The Republic of Stupid Bandana, last month saw sevco trying unconvincingly to convince everybody they are more than 10 years old by shouting very loudly that they are in fact 150 years old (see Castore marketing department on previous page).

They marked the occasion with a leg-neds match and a display, although not all of them were impressed:

The BBC nearly got ir right in their report (below). Just three years out, but for them that’s progress.

I didn’t actually see the display in question, so I don’t know if any of the banners were overtly political, but I’m sure Bluenoz here would have spotted it and called them out.

He certainly isn’t impressed by what’s going on at Celtic Park, a veritable “cauldron for a political stage” (whatever that means). “half the time,” he confesses, “I have no idea what they are so angry about. (the other half of the time I suspect he doesn’t know about anything much) They try so hard to be extreme leftist displaying Franco, Che Guevara and Palestine flags.”

Considering the amount of time he spent kissing Hitler’s arse during the 30s and 40s, describing Caudillo Francisco Franco Bahamonde as an extreme leftist is an almost automatic thunk.

Nevertheless, despite a wicked hostile environment over there, we hear that the Republica del Bandana Estupida has a sponsorship scheme in place to allow sevconians to take refuge with accomodating families on temporary visas. Condor Airlines are at the ready.

Toodloo the Noo
The Earwig

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