Earwig: on Goats, Les Bavoirs Oranges and Sectarian Pyrotechnics

Ah, Christmas – a time for gathering together with the family to eat, drink and be merry and then, once Christmas dinner is over, we can all play a board game.

If you’re part of ‘The Rangers Family’ (think Addams Family without the looks or the refined taste) you’ll watch Betty Windsor’s speech on the telly first, of course, while standing at attention and tugging your forelock at the same time. You might then consider foregoing the traditional game of Monopoly this year on the grounds that 1) you don’t really understand the concept of paying bills and 2) there’s a new version of the game out that’s right up your Copeland Road.

earwig monopoly

The Monopoly Cheaters Edition positively encourages not playing by the same rules as everybody else so instead of the usual chance and community chest cards, players are invited to channel their best David Murray and indulge in nefarious activities such as fake a dice roll, snaffle money from the bank, not pay bills as they fall due and hide side contracts from the SFA while paying players via a EBT scheme.

Actually I made that last one up, but the spirit of Nimmo Smith, Stuart Regan and Neil Doncaster is definitely alive and well in this game. So much so that you’d be forgiven for thinking that some of the reviews on Amazon were written by one or two of the aforementioned. Take this one for example, from someone calling themselves ‘cheatersdowin’: “My family, like most, could never manage to get through game night without someone being accused of cheating, especially playing Monopoly… Bottom line whoever said “cheaters never win,” was so wrong. Get this game and cheat to your hearts content, you’ll have so much fun.”

However, not everybody is quite as thrilled with the idea of cheating in order to win a game. One reviewer was decidedly queasy at the message the game is sending out: “This game is a stinker. Not much fun at all. And I don’t mean “not fun” as in “playing regular Monopoly with crappy house rules that make the game last 2 days”. I mean not fun as in “traumatic stress” and “betrayal of trust” not fun… There were bruised egos by the end of the game. I feel betrayed by my wife and I don’t think my wife looks at me the same way. I felt weird trying to teach our 7 year old how to cheat successfully.”

Time to invoke the ‘Let’s all move on for the good of the game’ rule there I think.

If you are a Bear and you are thinking of buying the Monopoly Cheaters Edition, perhaps it might be best to avoid trying to purchase it from Fraser’s Department store in Glasgow, now under the ownership if Mike Ashley, as there may be trouble ahead if this tweet is followed through:

earwig ashley

In a move that might have been inspired by the Yellow Vest protests across the Continent, this bear has taken to social media with a few suggestions that could see widespread disruption throughout one of the keystones of Mike Ashley’s business empire.

Ashley might not be fazed by having to face a grilling in front of a House of Commmons Select Committee but he will be shitting himself at the prospect of Sevconians on fake crutches setting off fire alarms in his shops or pulling the price tags off his Slazenger merchandise.

Step aside Les Maillots Jeaune, Les Bavoirs Oranges* are here and they mean business!

earwig hun moron
There is revolution in the air and, like Alan Hunter (above) the Bears are not going to stand for it any longer. They are fed up with being escape goats and are sick of being kicked in the canines.

To be honest I’m not sure what Alan means by that, but then neither does he in all probability. I’m no therapist, but I would recommend that Alan chills out by asking Santa for a harmless non-violent video game. Something like this maybe?

refs goat simulator
Or maybe ‘Escape Goat Simulator’. And in case you think this is a Photoshop effort designed to have a go at Craig Thompson and Company, it is a genuine game where you can “do goat things like run, jump lick and ram stuff” as well as get involved in “millions of hilarious situations” none of which, as far as I can tell, are set during a referee meeting down the ludge.

Between composing what passes for a thought and actually writing it down is a tortuous process for Alan and the rest of the Ken Clean Air Systems (see Earwig, NTV 259). Perhaps he should combine his brain power with that of his fellow spelling and grammar dodger Mike Jones (below).

earwig spelling

Not that being a supporter of right wing arseholes like Steven Yaxley Lennon means that Mike is by necessity a Sevco fan, but anybody who would go the trouble of sending £2.00 then being staunch enough to close his Papal account immediately afterwards would undoubtedly get a sympathetic hearing at Ibrox, not least for causing such financial damage to the Vatican.

Because there’s no doubt that sectarianism in all its guises should be fought against, especially sectarian pyrotechnic displays. One such was spotted by DC who was  watching the Leipzig v Celtic match and spotted a display which he promptly reported to UEFA.

earwig sectarian pyro

Stay staunch and toodloo the noo



*Orange Bibs

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