It all started with Bjorn Borg. Now we’ve got Goteborg, Helsingborg and Elfsborg. Tonight Celtic will have to show that we will not be assimilated!
To rally the troops as we prepare to face IF, here’s why Manfred Lurker is offering his services around the Scottish league teams as a demotivational speaker.
(With apologies to Rudyard Kipling fans everywhere)
If you can keep it tight for the first twenty
And not get sent off early, like Big Dan*,
If you can satisfy the cognoscenti,
That you can mark up Elfsborg, man for man;
If you can play on when your leg is gammy,
Or if you have been knocked about the heid,
Or when the Swedes look like they might be jammy,
And fluke a goal to go into the lead:
If you can keep it scoreless until half-time;
If you have got a clean sheet at the break;
If you can keep the heid and no do daft-time,
And panic not despite all that’s at stake;
If you can boss the midfield like Joe Ledley,
And run around and tackle till you’re gubbed,
And even though Bangura’s not so deadly,
Keep him out the game until he’s subbed:
If you can match the Swedes until they’re shattered,
If you can make them take one on the chin,
If you can leave their players looking tattered,
And make them slowly lose their will to win;
If you can cross a ball into big Sammy,
And watch him head it past the ‘keeper’s glove,
Then hear the Celts up there go feckin bammy,
And belting out, “I Just Can’t Get Enough”.
If that late goal then sees the Swedes attacking,
To score three times is what they have to do,
If you can keep them out and show they’re lacking,
The means to find a way past Charles Mulgrew;
If you can fill the final dying minute,
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
The next round will see the Hoops still in it,
And – which is more – you’ll qualify, my son!
*Majstorovic: red carded for hauling somebody down in the penalty box leaving us a man short and a goal down with 89 minutes remaining against FC Sion.
Champions League Qualifying Round 3
Results (Qualifiers in bold)
Maccabi Tel-Aviv Isr FC Basel Sui 3-3 (agg 3-4)
Partizan Belgrade Srb Ludogorets Razgrad Bul 0-1 (agg 1-3)
Steaua Bucuresti Rom Dinamo Tbilisi Geo 1-1 (agg 3-1)
NK Maribor Slo APOEL Nicosia Cyp 0-0 (agg 1-1)
Skënderbeu Korçë Alb Shakhtyor Karaganda Kaz 3-2 (agg 3-5)
Fenerbahçe Tur FC Salzburg Aut 3-1 (agg 4-2)
Grasshoppers Zürich Sui Olympique Lyon Fra 0-1 (agg 0-2)
IF Elfsborg Swe Celtic Sco (0-1)
Legia Warsaw Pol Molde FK Nor (1-1)
FH Hafnarfjardar Isl Austria Wien Aut (1-0)
Viktoria Plzen Cze Kalju Nomme Est (0-4)
Sheriff Tiraspol Mol Dinamo Zagreb Cro (1-0)
Zenit St. Petersburg Rus FC Nordsjælland Den (1-0)
Metalist Kharkiv Ukr PAOK Thessaloniki Gre (2-0)
Zulte Waregem Bel PSV Eindhoven Ned (0-2)
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CELTIC PUNK ROCKERS TAKE NOTE
If you still want to be a punk rocker and your mammy still wullnay let ye, you might at least be able to sneak out the house wearing this discrete t-shirt under a sensible sports jacket or anorak. Go on, be a devil… http://ntvt.deco-apparel.com/home?mobi=0#
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