It all started with Bjorn Borg. Now we’ve got Goteborg, Helsingborg and Elfsborg. Tonight Celtic will have to show that we will not be assimilated!

To rally the troops as we prepare to face IF, here’s why Manfred Lurker is offering his services around the Scottish league teams as a demotivational speaker.

(With apologies to Rudyard Kipling fans everywhere)

If you can keep it tight for the first twenty
And not get sent off early, like Big Dan*,
If you can satisfy the cognoscenti,
That you can mark up Elfsborg, man for man;
If you can play on when your leg is gammy,
Or if you have been knocked about the heid,
Or when the Swedes look like they might be jammy,
And fluke a goal to go into the lead:

If you can keep it scoreless until half-time;
If you have got a clean sheet at the break;
If you can keep the heid and no do daft-time,
And panic not despite all that’s at stake;
If you can boss the midfield like Joe Ledley,
And run around and tackle till you’re gubbed,
And even though Bangura’s not so deadly,
Keep him out the game until he’s subbed:

If you can match the Swedes until they’re shattered,
If you can make them take one on the chin,
If you can leave their players looking tattered,
And make them slowly lose their will to win;
If you can cross a ball into big Sammy,
And watch him head it past the ‘keeper’s glove,
Then hear the Celts up there go feckin bammy,
And belting out, “I Just Can’t Get Enough”.

If that late goal then sees the Swedes attacking,
To score three times is what they have to do,
If you can keep them out and show they’re lacking,
The means to find a way past Charles Mulgrew;
If you can fill the final dying minute,
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
The next round will see the Hoops still in it,
And – which is more – you’ll qualify, my son!

*Majstorovic: red carded for hauling somebody down in the penalty box leaving us a man short and a goal down with 89 minutes remaining against FC Sion.

Champions League Qualifying Round 3
Results (Qualifiers in bold)

Maccabi Tel-Aviv     Isr     FC Basel     Sui     3-3 (agg 3-4)
Partizan Belgrade     Srb     Ludogorets Razgrad     Bul     0-1 (agg 1-3)
Steaua Bucuresti     Rom     Dinamo Tbilisi     Geo      1-1 (agg 3-1)
NK Maribor     Slo     APOEL Nicosia     Cyp     0-0 (agg 1-1)
Skënderbeu Korçë     Alb     Shakhtyor Karaganda     Kaz     3-2 (agg 3-5)
Fenerbahçe     Tur     FC Salzburg     Aut         3-1 (agg 4-2)
Grasshoppers Zürich     Sui     Olympique Lyon     Fra          0-1 (agg 0-2)

Tonight’s Ties
IF Elfsborg     Swe         Celtic     Sco     (0-1)
Legia Warsaw     Pol         Molde FK     Nor     (1-1)
FH Hafnarfjardar     Isl     Austria Wien     Aut     (1-0)
Viktoria Plzen     Cze     Kalju Nomme     Est          (0-4)
Sheriff Tiraspol     Mol     Dinamo Zagreb     Cro    (1-0)
Zenit St. Petersburg     Rus     FC Nordsjælland     Den     (1-0)
Metalist Kharkiv     Ukr     PAOK Thessaloniki     Gre    (2-0)
Zulte Waregem     Bel     PSV Eindhoven     Ned    (0-2)


For the month of August we are offering a great deal on subscriptions. Take out a full price 12 issue subscription and get a second for just £10. Two subs for £40. All you have to do is buy one for yourself and take one out for a friend. (In George of the Jungle’s case he would have to make a friend first. He was devastated to find out that imaginary friends don’t count.)

In addition to the paper copy of the mag on sale at the stadium, subscribers who provide their email address are sent a colour PDF version on the morning of the game before it goes on sale and a full fat colour PDF with lots of additional features. Most issues are over 100 pages of the most interesting content you’ll ever read this side of the dentist’s waiting room. If you find this astonishing claim as difficult to swallow as a Jabba press release then check out some recent back issues on our website http://www.ntvcelticfanzine.com for details.

If you are an existing subscriber and would like to take advantage of this offer then simply add 12 issues to your existing sub and get the second for £10.

Click on the ‘subscription offer’ link at the top of the site to use Paypal or get in touch by mail at the usual address.

If you still want to be a punk rocker and your mammy still wullnay let ye, you might at least be able to sneak out the house wearing this discrete t-shirt under a sensible sports jacket or anorak. Go on, be a devil… http://ntvt.deco-apparel.com/home?mobi=0#

blog t shirt skull


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